Relationship as Choice

I often say the relationship we build with Self is the most important relationship we nurture through Yoga. Once we have established a connection to our inner self we can explore who we are without fear or obligation to change for the sake of someone else. We have the freedom to explore the meaning of our choices and the people we write into the script of our lives.

I am also a firm believer that people come into and out of our lives for very specific reasons. Their presence, or lack of, is always to help us learn more about ourselves. Relationships are not about how to change, fix, or alter another person. That is the work of the Divine and although we all have divinity within, we can not be responsible for the growth or evolution of another. Our responsibility is to attend to our own needs first and foremost. We can't be in good relationship with others until we are right with self.

I have found, as with most people, it is imperative to look at the relationship patterns we learn in our family of origin. Part of a family's job is to teach us how to stick together, how to solve problems, and how to deal with the outside world. Every family has problems but some can be more toxic than others. We can not take responsibility for the lessons we learned when we were young and didn't know any better, but as adults we can make choices. If the rules we learned in our family no longer fit, we are responsible for making different choices and letting go of patterns that harm more than help.

Now, this sounds amazing! Every self-help book, article on spirituality, and personal coach has probably subscribed to this belief. There is so much meaning behind this concept that social media is absolutely bursting with memes that echo this philosophy.

Indulge me, take a step back from the philosophical rhetoric. Thinking one way and actually practicing are two distinct and sometimes mutually exclusive endeavors.  We don't often have the opportunity to practice detachment or simple loving acceptance. We don't know we are fumbling through the ideology until we are past it and reminiscing on what worked and what did not. I know this because I am human and I suffer from the same 20/20 hindsight as everyone else. 

I want to repeat a previous point because it bears repeating; It is not my place to change, fix, or alter anyone else. Even if, and especially because I think they need what I have to sell. This brings me to the share portion of this post. I have this idea of the type of man I want as a partner.  How he treats people, interacts with the world, and his ethical and spiritual values are important aspects of who he is. 

I am in the unique position to be in relationship with a renewed acquaintance. I can see his pain and his struggles. I can see the potential of his spirit and his force of will. I have loved this man for most of my life, even if I was unaware of it. I made the choice to have an open heart and decided to love him. In my mind, I was making the choice to love him with no strings attached, but the reality of the situation is far more mundane. I can not reconcile the type of man that supports my growth through love and the man that I love in spite of and because of his challenges.

I assured my friend I would love him with no strings attached and I meant it. The problem is my ego. My ego wants this man to be my fantasy man and they are not the same person, not right now they aren't. I have also professed my love and affection for him and his best response is silence. I have romanticized this person because I believe if I love him hard enough and deep enough my love can change him. I am repeating the same pattern I watched my mother and father play out my entire childhood.

Lesson 1; No matter how hard you love someone you can NOT change them. People have to see a problem and want to fix themselves. I can love him in his ignorance. I can accept his idiosyncratic behaviors as part of his coping skills and I can draw the line when I try to reach a deeper level in him. That's my stuff anyway.

Lesson 2; Rejection is hard but it isn't the end of the world. Actually, rejection helps to build strength and confidence. How often do we live in fear of rejection or emotional pain that we choose to remain stuck instead of venturing into the unknown? I have professed my love and affection, I have written love poems and tried to draw him out so often only to be met with silence and assumed indifference. 

Now, I have no fear in saying the things that are on my heart. I don't worry about sounding silly or overstepping, moving faster than he is ready to move. His silence has been practice for me to share without the expectation of reciprocity. I can feel however I want to feel and he is under no obligation to react or respond. That's practice all right!!

Lesson 3; I don't have to change a damn thing! I can keep going on like this until things shift and I need to move on. I am still making the choice to love him, however, I am not choosing to try and fix him. I can let go of what my ideal man looks like and I can still choose to love freely without fear of being hurt, rejected, or cast aside. There is freedom in loving without the expectation of returned affection. There is a certain amount of audacity that comes with knowing rejection exists but is only as painful as my imagination makes it.

Every person is simultaneously a teacher and a student. Living life in the moment, turning off the auto-pilot gives us all the opportunity to be aware of the lessons we need to learn as we are growing through them. Being present allows us to move beyond the remorse of missed opportunities. The Buddha says pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. We aren't getting out of this life without pain and that is an okay thing. With out pain we can't experience pleasure or joy. Choosing to be open to both as life lessons instead of a destination allows us to feel and see love for what it is; Liberation.