Yoga SAVED my life...
I grew up a very angry young girl. My family had troubles and some were severe and some were pretty minor. My parents had baggage like all parents and they did their best, or sometimes they didn't, I don't know. I do know I grew up feeling angry all the time. I was aggressive and at times violent; getting into fist fights with my sister and neighborhood kids. I was growing into an angry and confused woman.
I made changes to curb my behavior because fistfights weren't getting me very far. The problem I came to recognize was I had no other options when I felt cornered. I didn't know what to do with my anger. I didn't know how to communicate my feelings. I was emotionally illiterate. Realizing my illiteracy was not reassuring it was more frustrating. I knew I had to find a way to get what I wanted without getting myself in trouble.
I went through a series of really bad relationships with friends and lovers. I used my body and my life in ways that were unhealthy and sometimes dangerous. At the end of the day I was a sad lonely young woman with no idea how to break this cycle.
I got older and a little wiser and was able to gain some self control and get some direction in my life. I met a wonderful man who loved me and protected me. I started making friends that taught me some important lessons about myself. I don't want to be misunderstood, I still came to understand most of these lessons the hard way. I was relying on my old coping mechanisms with some minor tweaking to avoid serious consequences.
Many years went by and I had my daughter. I thought about what kind of mother I wanted to be. I wanted to be mindful in my parenting and not go on "auto-pilot". I was seriously burnt out from working in the Criminal Justice system and I needed something new in my life. The Universe presented me with the opportunity to go to Massage school. (I was actually fired from my job because I was coming unraveled and couldn't keep up the facade any more).
I was at my heaviest weight and so miserable. My marriage had started to deteriorate as well. I was an emotional mess. Massage Therapy was the beginning of The Change for me. I found a sense of peace when I was working and I began to listen to and trust my intuition.
Massage Therapy can be a demanding job on the body and I was hurting after a full day of work. I quickly realized the need for a healthier relationship with my body. I turned to the only physical activity that did not hurt afterwards, the physical activity that I did not feel ridiculous participating in. I turned to Yoga.
I do not want to give the impression that I had a Spiritual awakening as soon as I put my mat down and learned the poses with confidence. Quite the opposite. I discovered that I was more frustrated with myself and yoga because I expected this thing called Yoga to fix me. I was looking at the Yoga instructor to look into my soul and give me a set of magic instructions that would heal me immediately. I refused to listen to the hurtful litany running rampant inside of my head. I stuck with it. I changed the self talk to more positive things. I focused on how amazing I felt at the end of my practice. I focused on how sexy and tall I was feeling even if my body didn't reflect this.
My husband had a serious accident and our entire lives were turned upside down. It was really tragic for both of us emotionally. I was again struggling to cope and I turned to the only thing I could count on, Yoga. I enrolled in a 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training Program at Frog Pond Yoga Centre. I realized at the time how crazy it seemed to commit myself to something when my plate was overflowing, but it "felt" right.
I could not know what would happen in the year that followed that decision and that is a story for another time and maybe another blog, but believe me when I tell you; Yoga saved my life! I was finding the center of my Self for the first time in my life. I discovered this wonderful woman who was sympathetic, understanding, and so capable. This woman wanted to be the best mother and partner that she could be, however, she was deeply scarred and wearing so many layers of camouflage her true Self was hard to see.
I wanted to know this woman who lived deep inside of me. She felt light and beautiful and I needed to know her. I kept going to my mat because that is where I could really get into HER skin. Through the reading and the Asana practice in school I began to merge with this lovely woman and before I knew it, we were one and I was She. The years of abuse and self-pity had fallen away and I stood tall and confident in my awakened Self.
My relationships changed with the people in my life as well. Some of my oldest friends faded out of my life and some new ones drifted in. My relationship with my husband ended and I had to decide how to best parent my daughter from this place of compassion and strength. I made some really tough decisions. I have learned that when tough decisions come from a place of authenticity they aren't easier but they become easier to transition through.
I have changed my relationship with food and with my body. My weight loss was unintentional so I have no idea how much weight I have lost. I know that every article of clothing I own is too big, some by degrees. I feel absolutely amazing in my own body for the first time in my adult life. I look at my daughter as this wonderful little person that I want to show up for every day. My ex husband and I still have work to do but we are pulling through for our daughter. I have good boundaries with people and I genuinely love the people in my life and The Universe doesn't have to beat me over the head with a "stupid stick" to teach me a lesson because I am open to all the lessons I need to learn.
Yoga isn't just an exercise it is a philosophy, a science, a lifestyle and I take this lifestyle pretty seriously. Yoga saved my life...
Namaste
I went through a series of really bad relationships with friends and lovers. I used my body and my life in ways that were unhealthy and sometimes dangerous. At the end of the day I was a sad lonely young woman with no idea how to break this cycle.
I got older and a little wiser and was able to gain some self control and get some direction in my life. I met a wonderful man who loved me and protected me. I started making friends that taught me some important lessons about myself. I don't want to be misunderstood, I still came to understand most of these lessons the hard way. I was relying on my old coping mechanisms with some minor tweaking to avoid serious consequences.
Many years went by and I had my daughter. I thought about what kind of mother I wanted to be. I wanted to be mindful in my parenting and not go on "auto-pilot". I was seriously burnt out from working in the Criminal Justice system and I needed something new in my life. The Universe presented me with the opportunity to go to Massage school. (I was actually fired from my job because I was coming unraveled and couldn't keep up the facade any more).
I was at my heaviest weight and so miserable. My marriage had started to deteriorate as well. I was an emotional mess. Massage Therapy was the beginning of The Change for me. I found a sense of peace when I was working and I began to listen to and trust my intuition.
Massage Therapy can be a demanding job on the body and I was hurting after a full day of work. I quickly realized the need for a healthier relationship with my body. I turned to the only physical activity that did not hurt afterwards, the physical activity that I did not feel ridiculous participating in. I turned to Yoga.
I do not want to give the impression that I had a Spiritual awakening as soon as I put my mat down and learned the poses with confidence. Quite the opposite. I discovered that I was more frustrated with myself and yoga because I expected this thing called Yoga to fix me. I was looking at the Yoga instructor to look into my soul and give me a set of magic instructions that would heal me immediately. I refused to listen to the hurtful litany running rampant inside of my head. I stuck with it. I changed the self talk to more positive things. I focused on how amazing I felt at the end of my practice. I focused on how sexy and tall I was feeling even if my body didn't reflect this.
My husband had a serious accident and our entire lives were turned upside down. It was really tragic for both of us emotionally. I was again struggling to cope and I turned to the only thing I could count on, Yoga. I enrolled in a 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training Program at Frog Pond Yoga Centre. I realized at the time how crazy it seemed to commit myself to something when my plate was overflowing, but it "felt" right.
I could not know what would happen in the year that followed that decision and that is a story for another time and maybe another blog, but believe me when I tell you; Yoga saved my life! I was finding the center of my Self for the first time in my life. I discovered this wonderful woman who was sympathetic, understanding, and so capable. This woman wanted to be the best mother and partner that she could be, however, she was deeply scarred and wearing so many layers of camouflage her true Self was hard to see.
I wanted to know this woman who lived deep inside of me. She felt light and beautiful and I needed to know her. I kept going to my mat because that is where I could really get into HER skin. Through the reading and the Asana practice in school I began to merge with this lovely woman and before I knew it, we were one and I was She. The years of abuse and self-pity had fallen away and I stood tall and confident in my awakened Self.
My relationships changed with the people in my life as well. Some of my oldest friends faded out of my life and some new ones drifted in. My relationship with my husband ended and I had to decide how to best parent my daughter from this place of compassion and strength. I made some really tough decisions. I have learned that when tough decisions come from a place of authenticity they aren't easier but they become easier to transition through.
I have changed my relationship with food and with my body. My weight loss was unintentional so I have no idea how much weight I have lost. I know that every article of clothing I own is too big, some by degrees. I feel absolutely amazing in my own body for the first time in my adult life. I look at my daughter as this wonderful little person that I want to show up for every day. My ex husband and I still have work to do but we are pulling through for our daughter. I have good boundaries with people and I genuinely love the people in my life and The Universe doesn't have to beat me over the head with a "stupid stick" to teach me a lesson because I am open to all the lessons I need to learn.
Yoga isn't just an exercise it is a philosophy, a science, a lifestyle and I take this lifestyle pretty seriously. Yoga saved my life...
Namaste
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