Self Study Proves Resisting Change Prolongs Suffering
I recently had a long conversation with my daughter's father and our "conversation" quickly deteriorated into our usual round of complaints about a lack of attention, communication, and disregard for the other person. My newer self recognized these patterns. My old self wanted to rail and scream and cry.
We worked through what we had to do and we were able to find some common ground, even though we still disagreed on some points. I have put in a lot of work into how I handle my approach, my attitude, and my thinking when I disagree. I was being asked to test these new skills when they really matter. The rubber hit the road.
After all was said, I felt sadness; sadness for our lost marriage, sadness for the man I once loved, and sadness for our daughter. I am not faultless. I have acted out of fear of rejection, anger and I repeated patterns I learned in my dysfunctional family of origin. But this conversation was different. I kept my focus on trying to build a relationship with my ex, for my daughter's sake. I focused on healing myself and I was able to move through my frustration without melting down. Growth!!
I (re)discovered that I felt small and voiceless. I was more afraid of not having any sense of power in our relationship. I can see the little girl inside of me jumping and screaming, "See me! Hear me!" I understand why I am such a powerful force when I meet people. I pick people that are intimidated and can be controlled by emotional manipulation. These people make me feel strong and in control.
This is not a new revelation, but the pattern is so deeply ingrained that it creeps up and takes me by surprise sometimes. I have also learned that my power can be quiet and soft like a river wearing away stone, eroding soil and carving a path of least resistance. Growth can be painful but only when we resist the changes that growth requires. Growth is a process and we learn the same lessons over and over but through subtle differences. We fine tune our skills of listening without judgement, of speaking with compassion, and weighing other's opinions against our personal moral compass.
Acceptance is letting go of the rope that binds us. Acceptance is facing ourselves and loving the dark and the light. All relationships are mirrors reflecting our true nature back to us. We can change the players on the stage of our life, but if we don't change what is inside the reflection will always be the same.
When I made the decision to make changes in my relationships I looked at myself first. I looked at how I contributed to the relationships then I picked something I wanted to change. I noticed that I didn't like when I spoke harshly or abruptly to people. I wasn't listening. I was waiting for my turn to speak and if they took too long or I disagreed, I would interrupt and over talk them. I din't like this about myself.
The first step is awareness. Initially, I asked trusted friends to point out this behavior when it was happening. Oh man, I got a ton of feedback! I felt really uncomfortable with this exercise. My friends were literally stopping me so often in our conversations that I chose silence for a while. The old adage that "silence is golden" proved to be true in this case. I began hearing what people were saying on a much deeper level than previously. I was learning how to connect with someone else based on what their needs, desires, and hopes were. This was an amazing experience even if painful in the beginning.
There have been misunderstandings and epic failures, but I committed myself to one small change and I was going to see it through. My success and set backs gave me the confidence to try and change other things and the process continues.
The only other thing you need to remember is NEVER GIVE UP! We developed our skill sets over time with repetition. It is unreasonable to expect to learn new skills then execute them successfully overnight, just because we said so. So, be patient with yourself and if patience is a new skill for you, enjoy the practice.
Shanti
We worked through what we had to do and we were able to find some common ground, even though we still disagreed on some points. I have put in a lot of work into how I handle my approach, my attitude, and my thinking when I disagree. I was being asked to test these new skills when they really matter. The rubber hit the road.
After all was said, I felt sadness; sadness for our lost marriage, sadness for the man I once loved, and sadness for our daughter. I am not faultless. I have acted out of fear of rejection, anger and I repeated patterns I learned in my dysfunctional family of origin. But this conversation was different. I kept my focus on trying to build a relationship with my ex, for my daughter's sake. I focused on healing myself and I was able to move through my frustration without melting down. Growth!!
I (re)discovered that I felt small and voiceless. I was more afraid of not having any sense of power in our relationship. I can see the little girl inside of me jumping and screaming, "See me! Hear me!" I understand why I am such a powerful force when I meet people. I pick people that are intimidated and can be controlled by emotional manipulation. These people make me feel strong and in control.
This is not a new revelation, but the pattern is so deeply ingrained that it creeps up and takes me by surprise sometimes. I have also learned that my power can be quiet and soft like a river wearing away stone, eroding soil and carving a path of least resistance. Growth can be painful but only when we resist the changes that growth requires. Growth is a process and we learn the same lessons over and over but through subtle differences. We fine tune our skills of listening without judgement, of speaking with compassion, and weighing other's opinions against our personal moral compass.
Acceptance is letting go of the rope that binds us. Acceptance is facing ourselves and loving the dark and the light. All relationships are mirrors reflecting our true nature back to us. We can change the players on the stage of our life, but if we don't change what is inside the reflection will always be the same.
When I made the decision to make changes in my relationships I looked at myself first. I looked at how I contributed to the relationships then I picked something I wanted to change. I noticed that I didn't like when I spoke harshly or abruptly to people. I wasn't listening. I was waiting for my turn to speak and if they took too long or I disagreed, I would interrupt and over talk them. I din't like this about myself.
The first step is awareness. Initially, I asked trusted friends to point out this behavior when it was happening. Oh man, I got a ton of feedback! I felt really uncomfortable with this exercise. My friends were literally stopping me so often in our conversations that I chose silence for a while. The old adage that "silence is golden" proved to be true in this case. I began hearing what people were saying on a much deeper level than previously. I was learning how to connect with someone else based on what their needs, desires, and hopes were. This was an amazing experience even if painful in the beginning.
There have been misunderstandings and epic failures, but I committed myself to one small change and I was going to see it through. My success and set backs gave me the confidence to try and change other things and the process continues.
The only other thing you need to remember is NEVER GIVE UP! We developed our skill sets over time with repetition. It is unreasonable to expect to learn new skills then execute them successfully overnight, just because we said so. So, be patient with yourself and if patience is a new skill for you, enjoy the practice.
Shanti
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